Languages Are for Losers

Apparently, universities have found a revolutionary new way to save money: obliterate entire language programs! Yes, friends, we’re bidding adieu to French, auf Wiedersehen to German, and sayonara to Japanese studies at institutions across the Netherlands, all because they don’t rake in the dough. It’s brilliant! Who needs cultural understanding when we could use those precious euros to fund another degree in Financial Data Science? Because if a subject doesn’t lead directly to a fat paycheck, it must be worthless, right?

Now, as the proud owner of one of the biggest Japanese language schools in the Netherlands, I should be over the moon. After all, with universities tossing their language programs in the dumpster, I’m in line for a financial windfall! Extra students, more money, fewer competitors… it’s like the lottery, right? Except that this isn’t the jackpot; it’s a dumpster fire. My school offers excellent classes, but without the accreditation that only a university can provide. Want a formal qualification? Sorry, head to Germany. Need to sit a state exam in Japanese? Enjoy the road trip to Düsseldorf, the new academic hub for all your Japanology needs. This cost-cutting carnival is dismantling not only language programs but the very infrastructure that gives them legitimacy.

But it gets better. Along come Wim, Sjaak, and their equally enlightened friends with their critique: “Faux studies!” Yes, because learning Arabic or Korean or even German has zero real-world value, especially when you could pursue a “useful” degree in cryptocurrency or TikTok analysis. Let’s tell that to Professor Remco Breuker, the Korean studies guru everyone suddenly needs to explain North Korea’s latest nuclear test. Or to the many translators who make an actual living decoding diplomatic jargon for high-stakes companies. But hey, Wim, I’m sure you and your Inglisj-only skillset will be just fine in the melting pot of the global economy.

And, of course, we can always rely on ChatGPT to help out, right? Just yesterday, ChatGPT identified Japan’s “new prime minister” as Shinzo Abe – a man who’s been six feet under for quite a while now. But hey, ChatGPT is here to save us from the burden of human translators, because who needs cultural context or nuance when you’ve got a bot that “hallucinates” answers like it’s been day-drinking on the job? Here’s the thing: machines don’t understand. They predict. And if you think AI is somehow the ultimate language expert, you’re about one poorly translated article away from public embarrassment.

Oh, and let’s not forget Annemarie, the eternal optimist, learning Japanese on Duolingo. How cute. She’s probably at the stage where she can proudly tell strangers “I lick the polar bear” in Japanese (yep, real example). But Annemarie’s ready for Japan, right? Just a few more taps on her app and she’ll be passing the JLPT with flying colors! Reality check: if DuoLingo is a ladder, she’s still on the first rung, and the JLPT? That’s the entire Empire State Building. I’ve had students come to me claiming they “know Japanese” after a couple of years on Duolingo, only to flounder through our introductory lessons like they’ve been hit by a kanji hurricane. But hey, Annemarie, keep tapping that green owl. I’m sure it’ll get you to fluency. Eventually. Maybe by the time you’re 90.

This tragic erosion of the humanities doesn’t stop at universities; it’s even hit our legal system, where the government’s penchant for penny-pinching has transformed court interpretation into an absolute shit show. These days, it’s not uncommon to find B1/B2-level interpreters in courtrooms, standing in for qualified translators who might actually understand the language and legal nuance. The result? Misinterpretations that could easily get an innocent person convicted or a criminal set free. But hey, if they want to keep costs down by hiring the bargain-basement interpreter, that’s just good fiscal policy, right?

And here’s the kicker: when the next North Korean missile lands uncomfortably close, when Xi Jinping makes his next major policy speech, or when Japan casually decides NATO isn’t their party, we’ll be left clinging to whatever translation crumbs the Americans toss our way. Yes, let’s trust that beacon of accuracy and reliability – U.S. intelligence – to tell us what’s going on in Korean, Chinese, and Japanese, because their track record has been spotless, hasn’t it? I mean, they found WMDs in Iraq… brought lasting stability to Afghanistan… and turned Syria into a peaceful paradise. Yes, truly, a flawless track record of international insight.